Dating App Hell
Let us descend...
Adri,
I'm in my early 30s and recently just got out of a long-term relationship. I've only been in two in my life: the first I met in college and the second I met on a dating app (Hinge, if it matters), literally, my first three weeks of being there, so after we broke up, I assumed that App based dating would work for me again. BUT, it's been two years and all I have is a string of disappointing dates. I feel like the men aren't as attractive. I feel like when I do go out on dates, I'm not feeling connection and on the rare occasions I do feel a connection they ghost or otherwise show themselves to be really non-committal. I would really love to be partnered and dating apps seem like the only option nowadays, but they're draining and they make me really doubt myself. But I don't know if giving them up will mean that I won't meet anyone and I'll die alone. Should I get off the dating apps? What do you think?
Dating App Hell
Dear Dating App Hell,
Solidarity, dear reader. I married relatively young—the apps were a thing but not the ubiquitous thing they are now and while people might have been embarrassed to admit they used them at all, they didn’t seem to garner the same sense of despair and uselessness they do now.
As you age, one must always be judicious with ones use of the phrase “things have changed.” But granny (me) is throwing it out there with abandon on this topic: things have changed. Some for the better—many not. Also, if you are of the mind that emotional distance makes for good writing, baby—close this tab!!! We are front and center!
So, what changed?
First of all, there are so many apps. And so many more people on the apps (but kinda sorta the same people across many apps in a given region). There is an illusion of endless choice that not only costs you in time and frustration, but also trains you to think that if this situation is hard, toss it out, something just as good AND easier is out there.
And, while it’s always a net good for people’s freedoms to increase and expand—in this case the freedom to explore many relational dynamics—having all of those dynamics represented in one space can often be extremely challenging, especially if you are monogamous.
Additionally, the flattening of physical attraction to often highly curated/filtered photos —it’s not that off the app you aren’t still attracted to the physical—it’s that you get a more nuanced, real picture—height, style, mannerisms, voice, company, setting, confidence, humor, etc. Try as you might, in the swiping economy, many of these are simply lost.I laughed out loud at “the men aren’t as attractive”—i’ll chalk that up to aging, which we are all doing, men mostly without retinol (only God know’s why).
Rather than focus on the unavoidable passage of time (*existential cigarette pull*)—i want to zero in on the non-committal piece you mention. In a fast moving, post-college environment where lots of people work remote, it makes sense to have a digital space where you can encounter the people your life would simple never bring into your orbit. But encountering people in real life often involves context—oh they know so and so, thats my friends mom’s niece, that’s my boss’ son—context that puts many of us on better behavior than we would have with a complete stranger—these ties aren’t everything—but they are something—in this space too, community matters, and it’s absent.
So there is ghosting and abhorrent behavior and we all feel so demoralized and embarrassed, so we engage in increasingly, mutually avoidant ways because who wants to be all in on THIS? And what could be successful with a bunch of traumatized, avoidant participants? And did I mention, the capitalist gun at all of our backs that, admit it or not, insists (loudly to those of us who have or want kids)—this would be easier with someone else. And here we are.
I have no singular solution for you really. I work from home. Im not regularly on any scene. In your 30s, you too, probably. Meeting new people is a challenge. The apps are a perilous bridge to that gap. I can’t, in all good conscience, suggest you totally abandon them. I do suggest you diversify your approach:
Ask friends to introduce you to people serious about partnership.
Go out more. Make conversation when you do.
Be open to non-app online connections.
Build non-romantic community so it doesn’t all feel so desperate.
Define your wants and deal breakers unapologetically (they should be important, not petty) and be merciless about enforcing them—your time is precious, don’t let anyone waste it.
Finally do not doubt yourself (but do focus on and develop yourself) and for the love of God, as a woman, do not settle because the apps have indeed taken the bar to new lows—Dante has never seen these levels—he would be aghast.