Dear Adri,
I am estranged from my mother and have been for over a decade. There is little to no chance of reconciliation with her, but she has also turned some of my siblings against myself, my father, and several other members of my family. Where I am struggling is there are so many issues with my mother — for the sake of brevity I will just say she is abusive. But my parents marriage ended with my father cheating on her and, eventually, marrying his mistress.
I was basically an adult when this infidelity happened, but my youngest sibling was 5 at the time, so their experience of the divorce, my mother, and my father is fundamentally different than mine. Recently, my teenage sister decided she no longer wants to speak to my father — which effectively estranges me from her as well since I do not see my mother.
I am struggling to be understanding of her choice because it doesn’t just impact her relationship with my father — it also makes it difficult for us to maintain a relationship as siblings. How should I handle this?
Sincerely,
Estranged
Dear Estranged,
I am sorry you are going through this and I can relate — familial estrangement is something we mostly don’t talk about as a larger culture because its often seen as some sort of moral failing on the part of whoever has set a boundary with the relationship, especially with parents, and for some odd reason, very especially with mothers. There is a sense that relationship is so sacrosanct that something is wrong with you if you reject it, and not nearly enough honesty about the harm mothers can (and do) do. In a culture where dads tend to do the least, its easy to understand why we want to give mother’s grace — but there has to be a line, and I applaud you for drawing one that keeps you safe and sane, even with a culture that judges you for it.
You sound mostly at peace with the estrangement from your mother, though — it is the rippling effects with your siblings that you are struggling with. The fact that they seem to be minors, and are potentially under a less than good/mature influence with your mother, not to mention their very valid side eye towards your dad’s marital misdeeds — its tough. I feel for them, as I am sure you do. I would suggest two easy things, and one hard thing where those relationships are concerned.
Connect and communicate in the ways you can — with your teen sister in particular, if she is on social media, has access to a cell phone, if there are family gatherings where you can cross paths — engage her where you can. As the adult, you are more free and likely more resourced than her, so show up (or at least keep letting her know you want to).
Try to be empathetic — she has a right to be angry at your dad and honestly may not have experienced your mom in the same way you did. But also be honest — your teen sister in particular is old enough to be challenged a bit and have her perspective widened.
Wait for it — unfortunately, abusive parents are often manipulative. Your sister and other siblings may need to get out of her house and into adulthood before they are ready to forgive their dad and forge relationships that feel like they betray their loyalty to your mom. Give them grace and remember that just because it impacts you, it doesnt mean it’s personal.