Ex Party
My brother’s child’s first birthday is this Saturday. Me and my wife are currently getting divorced, but my brother and his wife invited my wife to the birthday party which is being held at my sister in law’s house. My wife has made it clear that she does not want to have any sort of romantic relationship with me anymore and we are all but living in the same house but in different rooms.
When I called my sister in law to see if my wife was coming to the birthday party, she said that she didn’t know what terms me and my wife were on so she invited her anyways. We are not on great terms. We don’t talk much, but when she gets drunk, she will come into my room and try to have sex with me. Albeit, the reason the marriage is dissolving is primarily my fault; but, my family has always taken the position that I come first.
I feel like my family is not putting me first. If anyone in my family was getting divorced, I wouldn’t invite their significant other to a family event without asking if it was okay first. I feel like I am losing both ways-my wife gets to enjoy all of my family events while also divorcing me.
My family has seen me at my absolute worst and rock bottom. And yet, they want to invite my soon to be ex-wife to a family event that means so much to me. I feel like I should be able to go to my little brother’s child’s first birthday party untethered from worrying my soon to be ex wife is there.
My sister in law said that it’s a big house and that we could be sequestered from each other. I feel like that’s unfair; I should be able to enjoy the full party without distractions.
Sincerely,
Ex Party*
*originally sourced from reddit
Ex Party,
Your brother’s child is often known as your niece or nephew. This is also your exes niece or nephew! These are terms that fall under the big umbrella term “family.” Divorce ends a marriage—it doesn’t necessarily end the peripheral family relationships, especially when the marriage lasted a significant amount of time and/or when kids are involved.
You say you feel like you are losing both ways—but divorce isn’t really something you can win. You say you want your family to put you first—I am not sure what that looks like but getting concrete with your boundaries with them (and her) is probably a good idea. But boundaries are your rules for you—not them. So if you decide you don’t want to attend a party she is also invited to, then holding that boundary may look like you not going.
I think this is less about your comfort (I mean, distant though it may be, you two are currently sharing a home, so the party seems a bit minor in comparison) and more about a desire to have your wife lose, since you feel you are losing her. Breakups are often messy, hurtful affairs—feeling angry is valid—acting on that anger may be something you come to regret.
So, my short term advice—try to remember this party isn’t about you. It is a family event, and while the relationships will likely evolve as your divorce progresses and finalizes, that is going to take time for everyone. Give some grace, and try to not act on every petty feeling you have right now. If you really can’t handle her being there, don’t go.
In the longer term, have some honest (and kind) conversations with your ex and your family about what post divorce dynamics might be—and keep in mind, the dust tends to settle organically once your lives are actually separate—you may be stressing about an issue that will eventually be a non-issue.
If you can, redirect your focus to what this transition in your life has to offer you—this isn’t a season only of loss, but also one of change and possibility.
Adri
