Dear Ask Adri,
At my big age, I have many longstanding friendships, and most of those friendships have relatively little conflict. I have made a new friend in the last year — and I am not sure if we are exactly fighting, but I am unhappy with the dynamic. My main issues in the friendship are:
they seem to feel closer to me than I do. They have expressed sadness when they aren’t invited when I do things with other friends and don’t invite them.
they are very self centered — they don’t know whats going on with me because they don’t ask, but I am privy to the minutiae of every breakup, disappointment, etc. in their life.
they are defensive. I have tried to talk to them, and haven’t seen changes in their behavior.
Any advice on how to alter this dynamic without blowing up the friendship would be appreciated!
Thanks,
Friendly Fight
Dear Friendly Fight,
Self-centered, defensive, entitled? I have to ask — is this someone you WANT to be friends with. Sometimes in relationships we put so much focus on navigating and resolving conflict that we don’t pause to ask ourselves if this is a relationship we want to be in AT ALL. I am guilty of that as someone who tends to have a bias for communication — but sometimes, a lack of reciprocity and respect is a sign to lean out, not in.
Still, you asked for help, and so I would offer the following — you have already made some attempts at communicating with this person. Because you care enough to write in, I would suggest one final DIRECT convo. Name the imbalances you have described above, the problematic behaviors, and what you need to see happen to move forward. I am not sure that this person, as you have described them, is going to be able to hear you without defensiveness, but it doesn’t hurt to give people the chance to show up better.
Regardless of what THEY do, continue to hold firm to your own boundaries. You should certainly be compassionate and kind — their desire for connection is very human but their entitlement to you is their problem — not yours.
Best,
Adri