Friendship S.O.S.
Dear Adri,
A very dear girlfriend of mine has struggled with abusive relationships in the past. She'd tell me she was very happy with her current boyfriend, then reveal he was abusive only after breaking up. We've been long-distance friends for at least a decade now, so I don't have direct contact with her partners and I haven't personally met them.
She just got engaged and there are a couple of things that bother me about her situation. First of all, she moved to a new country to be with him, so that means that, for now, the only way for her to stay in that country legally is to marry him. We were chatting on zoom recently and she revealed that he has a tendency to be inconsiderate and petty with her. She told me he'll do things like expect her to be his maid and pick up after him. Once, they both came home exhausted and she made some soup for dinner, then took a nap. By the time she woke up, the boyfriend ate ALL the soup, leaving none for her. When she confronts him about his behavior, he refuses to accept wrongdoing and broods, then everything blows over. She dismissed her fiance's selfish, inconsiderate ass as simply the price you have to pay to be in a heterosexual relationship as a woman existing in the year of our Lord 2024, but it sounds to me like there's a very real element of misogyny in this guy's personality.
I worry that this guy's just waiting for her to be married to him so he can control her. It's easy for my friend to be assertive when her residency, food, and shelter don't absolutely depend on him yet. What's worse, the guy's convinced her to have a child for him. He's adopted and has always wanted a "family of his own", so now my friend who didn't want to have children before has decided she's willing to have kids for him.
Now, I know she's a grown woman and she needs to be able to make her own decisions, and perhaps all I can do is to be present for her when she needs me in case things escalate. The thing is, she seems so invested in being with this guy, it feels like she's adopted his personality. He's very conservative, and my friend has started talking about wokeism and how vaccines don't work and it kinda feels like she's parroting stuff likely being spouted by the fiance himself.
I worry that if I confront her, I'll end up alienating her. She's already pretty alienated as it is, her family lives hundreds of miles away, her brother is married and moved abroad, it doesn't sound like she has any friends of her own in her new town (she hangs out with her fiance's buddies). With no support network and no one to physically turn to if she needs help, I worry about her safety.
I know you can lead a horse to the trough, but you can't make it drink, but, she's my friend and I love her very much, and I'd hate for her to feel helpless in her hour of need. I feel like I have a responsibility to warn her that her situation is very precarious and that the fiance is already making it clear he's more than happy to bulldoze over her wants and needs.
Help!
Friendship S.O.S.
Dear Friendship S.O.S.,
I think friendship is sacred and I think the concern at the heart of your letter is one of many examples why. Concern has an ugly sister, however—judgement, and I see that here too. That isn’t an insult—it’s human. But you do need to decide if you are worried about your friend, or simply disapproving. To love people, we have to accept them—not cling to a calcified or idealized version of them in our minds from some past point in time. Maybe what your friend is going through is a phase—maybe, however, it’s not. Despite the cliched assertion to the contrary, people do change—for better, and worse, depending on your vantage point.
Distance, time, and yes, big transitions like partnership can be catalysts for this sort of change. Having a friend who struggles with self destructive behaviors is hard—when we love someone, we want things to go well for them, we want them to be their best selves, but you can’t control your friend. These are her patterns to break or lean into. You can only decide if the patterns make the friendship untenable for you.
I agree with you that this man sounds like a bad influence and like he may bulldoze over her wants and needs—but assuming you know he is choosing for her, rather than her choosing for her self is potentially infantilizing—its tempting because you already dislike him and the alternative reality might mean you don’t like your friend anymore.
You can and should communicate your concerns—say your piece, let her know you are there if she needs, and let it go. Reflect on what you can control—you. Do you want this friendship to continue? If so, what boundaries do you need to hold for it to feel healthy? Might this be an ebb, a period of space between you two—of waiting for her to come out of this, to come back to the self you recognize, waiting to be there when she needs you?
This is hard and there is no right answer—wishing you both peace, safety, happiness, and friendship.
Adri