Hello Ask Adri, good day. In order to be the best possible co parent for my young child, do I need to forgive my ex?
Thank you,
Want to be a good dad in Minneapolis
Dear Good Dad,
I am going to ignore the “in Minneapolis” part, because it’s hard for any of us to be good people in this godforsaken tundra at times. But your core question is a good and relatable one.
First and foremost — there is no one size fits all, objective advice. So, my personal bias is that forgiveness, while lovely, isn’t necessary or inherently good *GASP*. I know. That sounds so unevolved — but hear me out.
What is unforgivable in a relationship/marriage, is somewhat subjective. It depends on the individuals in question, your stated boundaries, hell, even the historical context and class. Whatever your ex did (you didn’t share and that is just fine) that makes them a bad partner — it is important to remember that the magic of divorce/ending the relationship is they are no longer your partner. You both have a new context with new, often more forgiving boundaries. So, do you need to forgive them for what they did as your partner? NOPE. Hang onto that anger like a family heirloom if you want. Your anger is valid and it is yours. BUT.
There is always a BUT.
But — you cannot punish them for that anger and hope for a functional coparenting relationship. Or any kind of relationship. Punishment sucks? Who wants to stick around for that? And your kid needs ya’ll to stick around. So — the divorce/relationship ending is likely the consequence you get to exact for your anger. That is it. If that is not enough, it is something you will have to work out in therapy, your journal, the gym, friendships, or some combo of those. Your kid needs and deserves for the two of you to let it go and focus on them. It will be harder some days than others, but that is what you owe your kid — not your ex.
All best,
Adri