Dear Ask Adri -
I know my in-laws mean well — but intent and impact aren’t the same. They are retired (and bored). Anyways, we recently had a baby and they just love to bring gifts. Like $5 gifts from HomeGoods/TJMaxx EVERY TIME they come over. I’m a bit of a minimalist so I don’t like STUFF like this. It usually ends up at Goodwill. Now there is a baby in the picture so I already see the cheap gifts increasing. How do I tell them to STOP?!
Sincerely, Good Intent
Dear Good Intent,
I feel this so much. There are explanations for this gap in expectations that range from individual to generational but, all that matters is, while you and your partner are vulnerable and overwhelmed post baby (understandably) you unfortunately have to do the taxing work of boundary setting. I hate and struggle with setting boundaries, so if you are dreading my advice, I want to validate that. Who wants to turn something down that has been given with good intent?
Unfortunately, intent is just a small part of our relational equations. Good, mature relationships recognize this, and use communication to bridge (and repair) the gap between intent and impact. Right now, with a new baby (and new parents) to prioritize, you can try to engage with kindness, but your in-laws are simply not the priority here.
Good boundaries are clear, kind and self focused. A boundary is not about their “bad” behavior — its about your needs. Let them know that you appreciate their gifts, but this is an overwhelming time full of so much newness, you would appreciate not receiving non essential stuff right now. By making it about where you are and what you need, you arent insulting or rejecting them. You can also prepare to give a bit of grace — you may need to repeat it, they may slip up, and you and your partner can decide together when a line has been crossed that merits restating this boundary — push your partner to do the lion’s share of the communication with their parents.
The birth of a baby is the birth of entirely new relational dynamics — for you and your partner, you and your parents and in laws, etc. Allow for some messiness as long as it feels like there is a foundation of love and respect.
Wishing you peace and respected boundaries,
Adri