How Much Is Enough?

Adri,

How do you find the balance between supporting someone but also wanting them to figure it out on their own? I have a friend that is constantly in need of money, I always lend it because I know they legitimately need it, but at the same time, I’m like, figure it out! I’d also add that no one else wants to help them because they have made some mistakes or not paid people back.

Sincerely,

How Much Is Enough?

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

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Dear How Much Is Enough,

I hope you have your space suit on, because we are going to get galaxy brained. It is tempting and easy to frame your friend as the problem—and my advice will be applicable if you decide to blame your friend, I promise.

BUT. Comrade (can I call you comrade?)—I would invite you to be (even) more generous—this time not in resources but in interpretation.

The world is a difficult place—”right now” is a fine timeframe but also, when hasn’t it been for most people? It’s humbling and even a bit frightening to admit how much of our individual successes are a matter of luck—not skill, not choice, not morality. Luck. So—

While I don’t want to encourage you to infantilize your friend—they have agency and may legitimately be making bad choices-what I do want you to do is to see them in a broader context that (hopefully) helps you lend them a bit of grace.

With that said, grace is grace, and resources are resources. So the real advice to you is—how are your own boundaries? Do you struggle to hold them? Are you judging this friend because it’s easier than acknowledging that you have a hard time saying “No.”

At the end of the day, the easiest person for us to control is ourselves—decide in advance how much support you can give, and stick to it. It cuts down on resentment while hopefully still aligning with your morality and care for your friend.

Best,

Adri

p.s. can I borrow 20 dollars? (J/k…unless you’re serious 🤣)