Introverted (but ready to mingle)
Adri,
I'm a fairly shy and introverted guy. What are some thing you do or would recommend trying to be more personable ? I feel like I struggle to build any significant relationship because a lot of my interactions are short.
Sincerely,
Introverted (but ready to mingle)
Dear Introverted,
I love the self awareness—even your question is concise and to the point (not a bad thing!). I also appreciate a man, in the age of incels and misogynistic podcasts and the Andrew Tate’s of the worlds, looking inward and being accountable instead of attempting to offload (very normal) social difficulty onto the women of the world. 10/10. This is a brief but loaded question, so lets unpack.
First of all, words mean things—but sometimes they mean different things to different people or in different contexts or…you get my point. I think introvert/extrovert are used a bit too liberally and most of us exist on a spectrum between the two—we can box ourselves in by committing too fully and literally to a label like that—so, first piece of advice—don’t do that! And what does it mean to be personable? There is a dictionary definition you can find yourself—my sense of it is being kind, interesting, curious, and engaged. None of this requires you to be extroverted or talkative.
It does, however require you to be intentional and self-aware. So, second piece of advice? Figure out where you shine. Are you better one on one? Better in settings where there is a focus (trivia, concerts, museums—think of the setting as scaffolding to build social interactions on). Are you doing the dreaded, existential angst inspiring but necessary thing—putting yourself out there. Be it online, meet ups, simply going out into the world, social interaction is a muscle—use it or get really bad and awkward at it.
Also, and you are going to hate this—awkwardness (or its potential) is the risk. Rewards require risk! You will not die if you have an awkward interaction. And the more you interact, the more you survive those awkward moments, the more tolerance you have for them.
Final bit of advice—self improvement is best balanced with self acceptance. DO practice what you want to improve—DON’T be so focused on who you might wish to be that you miss the positive aspects of who you already are. It takes all kinds—we do not all need to be the same. Invest in yourself—have interests, hobbies, things to talk about and more than anything, approach other people with curiosity. The start of a meaningful relationship of any kind is a genuine exchange, not a perfect, one-sided performance.
Good luck,
Adri
