What do you do if you feel left out of a friend’s wedding?? This was a good friend of yours, and you were invited to the ceremony and reception. But left out of the wedding party or any pre-wedding get togethers. In fact you suspect your friend specifically avoided mentioning even the casual get togethers to you or around you. Is it overreacting to feel left out to arrive at the wedding and see and hear about everything you missed?? Haven’t brought it up bc I don’t want to do the thing where you make someone else’s wedding about you.
Dear Left Out,
Modern weddings are absolutely unhinged affairs — just gonna get that out of the way. The scale, the cost, and what’s expected of guests has become sort of untenable for all involved. There are lots of old rules of etiquette and a very suspect amount of new ones.
Wedding rant aside, I am sorry you experienced this. I am a big feelings gal, so I never think feelings are an overreaction — how we express them can be, however, which is why I think it is good that you didn’t bring it up around the wedding. That would be neither appropriate nor productive, so kudos for that level of consideration and awareness.
Weddings are a singular moment in time in a relationship, but they end up feeling like they have the gravitational pull of the moon — they feel so significant and definitive (despite lots of evidence to the contrary)! With that said, there is the emotional side of weddings, but also the logistical reality: it is extremely expensive to have a wedding — and wedding party members tend to cost more and be asked to spend more.
The prioritization necessary in a wedding may expose a common adult friendship disconnect — a mismatched sense of closeness. But — here I would offer you the perspective of my own experience: I got married almost 10 years ago. If I were to do it again today, I would have a very different guest list and wedding party (hell, I am divorced, so I would also, by necessity, have a different partner). What I mean with this anecdote is — if this is a good friendship that has spanned some time, maybe this moment in time could be a bit of ‘ebb’ in the overall ebb and flow of the relationship. Honor your hurt feelings, but try not to take what is likely oversight and logistical prioritization as malice. You were still invited — that isn’t meaningless.
If this is still bothering you a few months down the line, take a moment to address it with your friend — not in an accusatory way (once again, there really is no bad guy here), but just let them know it surprised you and hurt your feelings. Expressing our feelings with honesty and vulnerability can build intimacy — the foundation of good friendships.
I love friendship and love — whatever course you take, wishing you an abundance of both.
❤Adri