Missed Opportunity
Adri,
We’re camping in northern Minnesota, but from Minneapolis. We’re staying at a family camp by a lake and we invited a family to come over for a fire after dinner. A conversation arose about school and the mom of the family informed us that she’ll be homeschooling her middle schooler. When my wife asked why, the mom said, “Among many reasons, the liberal agenda. They are asking kids to share their pronouns and that’s weird.”
My wife and I didn’t respond, in part because they were about to leave and we didn’t want to delay their stay to talk about this in particular. But, our middle child is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns.
She did say (as she walked away), “you may not agree, it’s a free country.” And I said, “yeah, we don’t.” But it felt weak as a response.
In another space and time I might challenge it directly by asking a series of questions and then stating my own belief. In this moment I let it go and now think it may have been a missed opportunity.
Missed Opportunity
Dear Missed Opportunity,
Thank you for this multi-layered onion of an interaction. Nebulous liberal agenda mention, bigotry, homeschooling! A true multi-tasker, this gal was. I imagine she’s tired after all that—I know I am.
I wrote recently about navigating politics in our relationships. I think the trouble with your scenario is it doesn’t sound like there is much of a relationship. One could argue that every encounter is an opportunity for connection—but it’s also an opportunity for conflict, and with your children present, its okay to err on the side of caution.
We must pick our battles. I know you felt like your short but firm statement of disagreement wasn’t enough but—why? What opportunity do you think you missed? To validate her nonsense with engagement? To educate someone whose bigotry is likely willful? Who has access to any and all information and chooses to opt into whatever reinforces her paranoid and hateful worldview?
I don’t know enough about this person to assume they cannot be changed, that their heart cannot be fixed—but I doubt an (understandably) defensive stranger is going to be the one to do it.
I think you missed the opportunity to fight with a stranger, stress yourself out, put yourself and family at risk, and generally ruin the relaxing time your whole family deserves to have.
And I don’t know if your kids witnessed this or not—but either way, you could discuss it, how you handled it and why. They may disagree, and it’s their opinion and experience you should center in all this.
I am not saying don’t fight. I am saying choose your battles with intention and with some cognizance of your sphere of most influence. Reserve most of your energy for connection—for things that are generative.
Adri