Not All Men

"All men suffer..."-M. Aurelius

Adri,

I’ve got a friend who is going through a divorce and just re-entering the dating world. I have been single/dating for years, so he must see me as some sort of expert and tends to bring a lot of his dating woes to me. I feel for him, because, in my opinion, the dating world is very different now, and I do think some of his troubles are just going to resolve with time as he gets used to the new normal. But one comment he made stuck out to me—after being ghosted and a couple situationships, he said to me, “based on the apps, I think all women are full of it.”

I am worried I fumbled the response in saying that while it sucks, it’s time consuming and frustrating, people do have a lot going on, so try not to take it personal, even if it is rude. I definitely didn’t validate the “women are the problem” angle. Should I have said more? I’ve known this man for 30 years—I think he’s a good dude and I hate to see him become anti-woman.

Best,

Not All Men

Photo by Roman Empire Times on Unsplash

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Dear Not All Men,

I appreciate your question and the thoughtfulness and care here—for your friend, and for women. I too am concerned with your friend—for one thing, he will need far more grit and persistence to be out in these proverbial streets. 3 dates? 1 ghosting? These are rookie numbers! As Twitter’s @solomonmissouri says, he may find that he don’t wanna be out here.

More seriously (because his comment betrays something serious), you are right to be concerned—in a world where Rebecca Cheptegui, Dominique Pelicot, countless migrant women, hell, MOST women globally have their lives warped, controlled, broken or ended by the rage, entitlement and misogyny of men, we cannot afford to continue to pretend there is a symmetrical power struggle between women and men. Misogyny and misandry are not the same and the difference is what’s at stake. Misandry (to the extent it even exists) is a reaction to patriarchy and misogyny—it mostly jeopardizes men’s access to women—misogyny jeopardizes women’s lives.

Maybe that sounds sensationalized. But it is regular men like your friend doing these things. Regular men being radicalized into incel ideology. Regular men treating women so abhorrently they have had to create whisper networks and online spaces to keep one another safe. So it is regular men who need to hold one another accountable to not becoming the men who make the phrase “not all men” necessary.

So, in the spirit of helping your friend, which I know you want to do—I would add on to the excellent advice you have already given him and add a call to empathy—everyone is dealing with a lot and women often have to navigate dating with an added layer of concern for safety. Encourage your friend to go on dates that seem fun, to take breaks when he’s feeling cynical or burned out, and to foster community so the stakes don’t feel so high, and validate his feelings—it is hard!

Best,

Adri