I’ve been separated for 6 months after a decades long relationship (I was the one that left). I’ve started dating and kinda immediately found someone that I enjoy spending time with and talking to, and while we haven’t defined anything, we *are* both putting a lot of energy into each other. We’ve been seeing each other a couple of months but are still in the bubble phase where we haven’t met or talked to anyone in each other’s life.
What pitfalls should I avoid in terms of 1) boundaries with my kids and my time 2) if and when to let my ex know.
Signed,
Not Dead Yet
Dear Not Dead Yet,
First of all, congratulations on squeezing some joy out of the dating scene — I am in and out of it, and it can feel like the literal trenches! I am glad it sounds like you are both taking the time to get to know and genuinely enjoy one another.
If you are waiting for me to say “take it slow, you just exited something super long term” — I promise I am not going to do that to you. Why? I think the best time to date is when YOU feel ready. There are no rules or hard and fast timelines, so that is not a pitfall here.
The below pitfalls are based on my lived experience, that of my friends, and probably some crappy TV as well. If they seem not chill, well, I am not chill, dear reader ❤ But I am intentional, and I think that is what you are looking to be, too!
Don’t be hesitant to define things: Honestly discussing desires and expectations early on is a great way to not waste time — things like do we want to be in a committed relationship, how much time do we want to spend together, monogamy, long term wants, etc. It feels intimidating to have these conversations and very CHILL to not — but avoiding communication is not chill, and is potentially a recipe for resentment or misalignment the longer you put it off.
Keep having a full life: It is so tempting to escape into that exciting new love, but the best way to have boundaries with your time is to not let this new relationship completely redefine how you spend it. If you are a weekly friends game night, avid runner, read to your kids every night kind of person, commit to continuing that and make the relationship fit around it.
Be thoughtful but not paranoid about introducing the kids: While you shouldn’t rush to move this person in or position them as a parental figure, introducing them to your kids as a friend (especially if you two aren’t sure about the trajectory of the relationship yet) is a great way to allow them to get to know one another under a fairly low stakes dynamic. If/as things become more serious, discuss that with your kids before the dynamic changes so they feel included rather than surprised.
Outline the desired dynamic between your new partner and your kids: Are they allowed to reprimand them? Are you openly affectionate in front of them? Are they a part of their milestones/holidays/moments? These boundaries will likely evolve as your relationship does.
Your kids: Listen to and validate them throughout this process and compromise as it feels reasonable and appropriate. Depending on their age and relationship to your co-parent, this may be uncomfortable for them, but that doesn’t mean its traumatizing. You aren’t a bad parent for daring to live a life beyond your divorce.
Communicating with your ex/co-parent: I am always pro communication but want to acknowledge that not all ex relationships are mature or safe enough for that. Assuming yours is, I suggest you ask one another questions such as: do you want to know before I introduce the kids to new partners/do you want to meet a partner before they move in, etc. The goal here should be transparency and alignment — not permission or control. Barring any unique custodial agreements, you do not need your exes permission or blessing to date, but co-parenting relationships thrive when people feel brought along.
Good luck and cheers to not being dead yet!
Adri