Office Fish
Adri,
I am a business leader of a medium company, a little over 100 employees. I am a middle aged guy, happily married with kids. My wife and I enjoy an open marriage with rules: we keep our side lives private from each other and the public; to protect our kids and profession. Recently, an employee has started letting on that she likes me. A flirtatious comment here and there. A look walking by. Employees are off the list of possibilities. However, over the years (eight) she and I have realized that there’s a lot in common, value wise, sense of humor, and smart ass remarks that go back and forth. She is married with kids as well. I’ve never learned if she’s in an ethical non monogamous relationship, because as a her boss it’s none of my business. Do I lightly pursue and see if adults can come to an understanding? Or avoid like the plague as my lawyer would have me do? I don’t currently have any long term partners outside my marriage and this possibility is way more appealing than anything in recent history.
She’s a great employee. Not usually my type. Which makes this all more intriguing. Why are we connecting this way and why do I want to? My wife and I have been married for 25 years and we’ve been ENM from the beginning. I’ve never dated an employee. They’ve always been people I meet through friends. No one has ever outed us publicly.
Sincerely,
Office Fish
Dear Office Fish
I love nuance. I love love. And I hate this!
I get it. Dating, at any age, in any relational dynamic is vulnerable, time consuming, and hard. Just finding someone you are interested in can feel like a challenge. But, while there are a debatable number of fish in the sea, it is so so important that you realize and accept that NONE of those fish can be your employees.
I appreciate this question for two reasons. One—it isn’t original! I am aware! AND YET! We continue to have to answer it! Because people keep dating their employees.
I also appreciated you mentioning your ENM dynamic—it felt important for you, and I wonder if you think it alters the fundamental dynamic here for some reason? But it doesn’t. Less common relational dynamics do not free you from ethics. Whether you want one partner or three, none of them should be in your employ.
Unlike most of the questions I answer, the “what should you do” part here is extremely simple. Do not date your employee. Even if she expresses interest directly, do not date your employee. But why, you might ask! The short answer: money, power, respect.
Money: You are a leader at this company. You can directly influence her wages, her employment, and depending on industry you could even hinder her growth inside and outside of the company. Which brings me to my second point:
Power: You have so much power in this situation. Power, like privilege, can be hard to see when you are the one who has it, but everyone looking in from the outside can see it clear as day.
Respect: There is quite a bit of risk for the woman in this scenario. Respect is the big risk (although not the only one) here for you. I can say transparently that I would not respect or want to risk working for a man who is known for pursuing his employees. You mentioned having never dated an employee—I know you and your wife are ENM—are you prepared to share this with her? Do you anticipate her supporting this?
I assume, as a business leader, that you have some concept of risk assessment. A bit gross when applied to human relationship, but some scenarios you should consider:
You might be misreading the situation. You might simply be wrong. You are her boss, you are married, you may be older, etc. You would not be the first man in history to misread someone’s niceness/comfort with you as flirtation. And if you are, she would be justified in being upset and escalating the issue.
Say you aren’t wrong. Then what? You both handle this perfectly, it eventually runs its course and is probably going to end and be awkward AT best? Or, far more likely, it ends poorly. And then you, and your wife, are “outed” as you said—and your professional reputation is validly tarnished. You may even find yourself needing to talk to that attorney you mentioned before.
It is with empathy but also seriousness that I ask you to please not do this. Most women have a story of a guy in the workplace who made us uncomfortable. Do not be that guy. There are some great things about being the boss I am sure—but the flipside of that privilege is responsibility—please take it and yourself more seriously. Get on the apps or in the streets like the rest of us peasants!
Do the right thing,
Adri
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