Problematic Aunt Probs
Yo Adri(enne),
My Aunt Patty has been my favorite aunt for most of my life. She's funny, magnetic, generous, and makes anyone she talks to feel seen. She's super intelligent and has worked in high-level, impressive jobs.
As a young adult ,I became vaguely aware that she's a Republican, but it never came up when we were together. Now I know that she voted for Trump and is staunchly anti-abortion. She goes to "pro-life" marches and argues intensely with family members on Facebook.
I've skipped opportunities to see her in recent years, but just saw her at a family function and realized that I've kind of missed her. I thought about the fun my daughters would surely have if we visited her family (and we now live near each other so it's conspicuous that we decline invitations). But do I really want my kids to have a relationship with her, knowing her views about women's bodily autonomy? Her values are antithetical to mine. I wouldn't expect her to bring up birth control and abortion with my young daughters, and I don't plan on engaging her on the topic (it's never come up, and I don't see the point of debating her on this). But JUST KNOWING makes me not want to be around her on a gut level.
Do you think I should start seeing her again? If I didn't know what I know now, I'm sure we'd get together a couple of times a year and have a blast, and my kids would love it. I'm inclined to just be cordial when we bump into each other and leave it at that.
Thanks!
Problematic Aunt Probs
Dear Problematic Aunt Probs,
Relationships are made sacred with care, respect, reciprocity, acceptance, consideration—not by familial association or time alone. So, what does this aunt bring to your life and that of your girls beyond a nostalgic feeling that seems to be greatly overshadowed by the realities of their current behavior?
We have a culture that prizes “agreeing to disagree”—it is a culture of civility, of keeping a sort of peace (whose peace?). This culture is one that frames politics as some sort of intellectual exercise, something entirely abstract —when in reality, politics is the way our values, priorities, and morals manifest concretely, politics literally shapes our lives. So, I cannot in good conscience advise you to just overlook your aunts politics. Even if you could (and you probably wouldn’t write me if you could), doing so would create a shallow, one sided relationship.
So—you can let the distance remain, solidify. Or, you can talk to her and give her a chance. A chance to be challenged. A chance to do better. Do you have the ability and the desire to tell her what you’ve told me—to be vulnerable, honest, and perhaps most importantly, critical.
I can’t tell you if you should have this woman in your life. I can tell you that our most intimate relationships can be space for change—it isn’t the argument on the internet with a stranger, it’s the calling in at the family dinner party that might MAYBE move the needle. But do you want to do that work? Is she open to it? Depending on your background/privilege, does this feel like work you should be doing? Or does the idea of that conversation drain or terrify you?
Community, including family, is messy because it includes real difference—economic, religious, ideological, etc. With all that said, while we are necessarily in community with people we are different from all the time—the level of closeness is often determined by the level of alignment on important issues. I am not close with people whose politics would harm me and those I love—you are asking about getting closer to this person who, directly or indirectly would do you political harm? Why?
Community, family, relationships—they require something of us. Our relationships are not a free for all—we owe one another something—reciprocity, respect, consideration, solidarity, safety. If your aunt is not prepared to come into your life with all of these—there is no place for her. Sometimes, meeting someone where they’re at involves leaving them there.
Adri