Ready To Go Fish
Hi Adri,
I’m a man that’s been out of my last relationship for a bit over a year now. I’m looking to find someone solid to build something with or to at least enjoy the summer with and the apps have become even more of a slog than before. While I do value appearance to a reasonable extent, I’ve never been that interested in a superficial connection.
What is the best place to find a woman who is intellectually stimulating without coming across like I’m trying to bother them in public? I’m in my mid-thirties and I’m mixed (black/white/native) so sometimes it can be tough in the twin cities.
Ready To Go Fish
Dear Ready To Go Fish,
The App slog—felt! Heard! Validated! Apps are a place that is equal parts endless possibility and tiny townie bar where everyone knows one another but wishes they didn’t. In the age of remote work and too much screen time, I cannot in good conscious recommend people totally leave them (we all should, but I won’t push), but I definitely strongly recommend diversifying your putting yourself out there portfolio. What does that mean?
Go outside. Touch grass! Go dancing. Go to the library. Shop in person on your own. Interact with people while you do all this. Do it tired. Do it anxious. Just do it.
Ask friends who know you to consider hooking you up on blind dates. This is especially helpful with the dearth of diversity in the Twin Cities—leaning on fellow Black and brown folks to pull on their networks can be helpful if this is a dating priority for you.
App it up with limits. Do not doom scroll. Set time limits, like limits, number of convos going all at once limits. Too many good or interesting things is still a bad thing as it will overwhelm you. You do not have endless choice or endless capacity so disabuse yourself of that delusion NOW and get focused.
Find hobby or interest based hangs. I think superficial looks (the kind that everyone sort of agrees on) are unimportant and that “intellectually stimulating” is too subjective to touch with a 10 foot pole. What you are attracted to is more important. So balance. But find some game nights, language nights, attend a play, join an athletic club or pick up league (whatever you sporty people do) to try to connect in more aligned ways with like minded folks.
A couple final thoughts. First, invest in you. Stay busy and committed to the idea that whenever love finds you, it will find you busy. Do not let the search put the rest of your life on hold.
Lastly, there is an ocean between looking for a long term partner and looking for a summer fling. One can certainly turn into the other! Being flexible is good! Just make sure you are communicating that flexibility honestly so you are moving with integrity.
Have fun, be clear (which in dating is very kind), and good luck out there!
Adri
such thoughtful advice as always!