Adri,
I used to do AA and miss having a sponsor—not so much for the AA part but the having a mentor part. My dad is a great guy, he’s just not someone i feel like i could ask for advice taking into account my politics and lifestyle. Any tips on finding adult mentorship of some sort?
Thanks!
Seeking
Dear Seeking,
Mentorship is something I believe in and have benefitted from (s/o to Jenée of Dear Prudence especially for the advice column advice 💕) —and I am happy to talk about that, but before I dive in, I would ask you to reflect on what specifically you got out of AA that you are seeking now. You mentioned asking for advice (which you are doing, yay 😃)—are you possibly seeking community more broadly rather than mentorship specifically? Do you already have this community and maybe just need to step out of your comfort zone and be social to start engaging intentionally to get this need met?
Ok, lots of questions from me, but you wrote to me for an answer, my bad! Part of what I love about giving (and getting) advice is that, when done well, it’s a communal dynamic—an exchange of vulnerability, experience, knowledge, care, and perspective. Mentorship can have these elements—but it can also be very narrowly focused and sometimes a bit…clinical, as it’s often something people seek in professional or skill-building contexts, so it feels important to discern if that is what you are really looking for.
Still, if mentorship is truly what you are seeking, here is what has been helpful for me:
Be specific about the ask—what you hope to learn, what you are hoping to get out of it.
Don’t have a specific ask? Focus on community building in general by getting social, being proactive, and engaging in that most humbling and sometimes humiliating of human experiences—”putting yourself out there.”
Be thoughtful about who you ask—why does their perspective on a given topic carry weight.
Be considerate of people’s time.
If you have no one in your immediate network, ask friends and colleagues to connect you with someone. Whether you want to learn to dance, discuss politics, organize, or make sourdough, we all know a guy who knows a guy.
Remember mentors are people—and sometimes it’s just not a good fit. Do try, but don’t force it. My best mentorship experiences have involved a friendly, fun dynamic, whether or not they ever became full on friendships.
Be community minded—mentorship often happens one on one, on an ongoing basis, but it doesn’t have to—the best mentorship experience in my language learning journey often happened in the context of language exchange meet-up groups—the reciprocity in this dynamic felt rewarding and the casual/flexible nature of the dynamic was fertile ground for meaningful friendships to develop.
Wishing you connection and growth—Adri