Sex Is Great, But....
Hi Adri!
Please help me sort out my emotional spider web. To summarize a very long story, I have a now 10 year old son I have been raising full time by myself for the past few years. His mother has struggled with substance abuse which is why, after a long, painful process, she voluntarily gave up all custodial rights to me.
Fast forward to recently, she seems to be actually maintaining sobriety (which I am pleasantly surprised about) and has been showing up to our son’s events I invite her too. The way she has been speaking to me took a 180 degree turn from before and she seems to be grounded. Key word seems.
I suppose my confusion lays in that she has been coming onto me pretty hard and I think she would pounce if I gave her the green light. My life was completely derailed by this woman and there are plenty of wounds/anger/trust issues I am still healing from. She is a very attractive woman and a nymphomaniac. I fear I might regret whatever comes from sleeping with her. She is also an artist who lives to push boundaries, uses her sexuality as a tool to get what she wants and is most likely once again using her sexual prowess to regain control of the situation. I’m sure she genuinely wants to spend more time with our son but I feel I shouldn’t regress.
Should I leave well enough alone or say f*ck it and let’s see what happens? I also don’t want to confuse things for my son who is pretty comfortable in the current situation and really excelling. Help!!
From,
Sex Is Great, But….
Dear Sex Is Great, But….—
I appreciate your vulnerability here—we all have trauma, sexual needs, and baggage in general—a willingness to name and face it is the make or break between controlling them rather than them controlling you.
I am a divorced co-parent, and also the child of folks with substance abuse issues—my co-parenting dynamic is quite a bit different from yours, but I hope I can draw on those experiences to be helpful here.
So right out of the gate—loving and being in relationship with people with addiction, especially severe addiction, is challenging—seeing them harm themselves, be unreliable and unpredictable, the vulnerability of it all can test and break any relationship. I am sorry for all of you, especially your child that you have experienced this and I am cautiously optimistic (like you) about your exes current sobriety.
If there is a genuine desire to give the relationship another shot, then my advice would be different, but everything you have communicated here seems to center on sex, so my advice is this: do not use the mother of your child to satisfy something as simple as a sexual need unless you mutually agree that sex alone is the dynamic (even then I think it’s unwise but the mutual, clear agreement at least make it somewhat ethical). It sounds like her desire for closeness to you is connected to a desire for closeness to her child—don’t take advantage of that. She is likely fragile in her sobriety journey and your co-parenting relationship deserves care. Sex is great, but the potential negative impact on your child and their relationship to both of you feels not worth it.
I would also suggest unpacking some of the judgement and misogyny you hold towards her—there is a lot of charged language that likely hides real pain and past boundary crossing, but the way you describe this person is not with the respect that should be present in a relationship (should you choose to pursue one again.) It also makes me think it’s unlikely sex would just be sex between the two of you—clearly, there is a lot there, even if a lot of it is bad.
Parenting is an ego killer because your default must become consideration for the other—so much is simply not about you anymore. It’s not relevant to your co-parenting relationship if she is a “nymphomaniac” or if she cheated on you—her sexuality belongs to her, and, most importantly, you aren’t together, it doesn’t matter anymore. Co-parenting magic happens when both parents can put aside whatever made them not work, to ensure they can be a team for the people they co-created. You don’t have to love or like each other—you do have to respect one another and hold some reasonable boundaries.
Adri