Sibling Solidarity
Adri,
So, my inlaws are crazy (not uncommon, I know). There is some strain on the relationships there. But they (three sister in laws as well as my mother in law) frequently ask for my oldest child to do things, many times to sleepover, but do not invite their other siblings even though the group of cousins are all fairly close in age.
I know it's a lot different to invite a 9yo to do something than a 6yo or a 3yo, but they literally have never invited either of the younger two to do anything. This has even included cousin birthday parties that my oldest has been invited to but her siblings have not!
I know it's also different to take 3 kids versus 1, but it feels really shitty to let one go and tell the younger siblings they weren't invited, so generally we have declined the invites.
The other important piece I want to acknowledge is that the 6yo who is never invited has a severe food allergy (a protected (for now) Class under the ADA but don't even get me started ). I understand this is additional risk for someone to take on and I am not even sure I'd be comfortable with it, but it hurts a little more nonetheless to feel like this might be part of the reason for exclusion.
After receiving another invite for the oldest recently, I can't help but feel exasperated and sad for my other kids and can't help but wonder if I am keeping my oldest from fun experiences in the name of (albeit forced) solidarity.
Sincerely,
Sibling Solidarity
Dear Sibling Solidarity,
Problems like yours are the actual things about parenting no one tells you about. The late nights, the diapers, those brief stages get all the attention, but it is the long haul, complex, relational bits of raising humans that is the real, most challenging (and yes, rewarding) work of parenting in my opinion. It is HARD and there really isn’t enough grace or recognition to balance all the criticism and doubt, so wanted to offer you that as a fellow parent.
It is your job as a parent to worry about these things, not only the immediate impact on your excluded children, but the long term impact on all your kids and how they think about inclusion/exclusion and family. This isn’t your eldest kid’s friends birthday—if it was, I would tell you that you cannot always expect all your kids to be invited when the primary relationship is your oldest child’s. But that isn’t the case here—it is all your kids cousins!
It is nice when family can feel like a source of support, understanding, and a generally safe and inclusive place, and unfortunately, that is often not the case.
I always try to be honest about my own biases—I am a firm believer that healthy relationships are reciprocal, consensual, and yes, conditional. The whole, ‘we are family, we have to have a relationship no matter what’ line of thinking is simply not a part of my personal life code. I think family—the shared history and connections—can be beautiful, and a great foundation for healthy relationship. But again, not always.
We often speak of family estrangement—a special, loaded term for what is pretty simple: when anyone, including a relative is not someone I can be respecfully and safely in relationship with, the relationship ends. Stigmatizing these endings only serves to keep people in unhealthy dynamics, and to allow bad behavior to flourish unchecked by a few.
Am I advising you to end these relationships? Not quite—or not yet. You can’t control your relatives—or people in general. You can’t force them to invite all of your kids. What you can, and should do, are two things:
Decide how important each relationship is. When done well, conflict is an investment in connection.
For the important ones, share your concerns, and leave room for them to explain their own reasoning. It is okay to explain ourselves a bit to people we want to be in relationship with—understanding is intimacy building!
Communicate your own values and make it clear how you are comfortable engaging. I would share that because inclusion is an important value for you as a family, you are only comfortable having your kids attend if all are included, with very few exceptions. You could even note that this is extra important due to your child’s allergy, given how often they miss out on other activities because of it.
Be open to compromise, conversation, or a shift in the dynamic—your standards and boundaries are yours. Maybe all your kids (including your eldest) will be invited to fewer things. Maybe the relative won’t handle the conversation well. Maybe they will share concerns you hadn’t considered.
What is important is that for the relationships you want to preserve, you are setting clear terms and parameters for a healthy relationship, and giving your relatives the chance to reflect and do better. You are also living your values—something much more impactful to your kids development than simply stating them. If you want to raise kids to be inclusive and treat people with kindness, you have to model it, even (especially) when it is uncomfortable or inconvenient.
Best,
Adri
This was a super relatable one!
The depth and care you showed was awesome too 👏🏽