Sorry For What I Saw
Hi Adrienne,
I recently went on a trip with some friends. One of my oldest friends (seriously, we’ve known each other since middle school and we’re in our 30’s now) brought her kindle with her. I couldn’t sleep one night and I borrowed the kindle to read. I didn’t wake her up to ask, but we’ve done this sort of thing in the past and it wasn’t a big deal.
Unfortunately, this time, she had left open her Instagram DMs and I saw that she was in the middle of a VERY hot and heavy conversation with a mutual (male) friend of ours. They’re both married (not to each other, obvs). I immediately put her kindle back and haven’t said anything but it’s been eating at me ever since.
How should I handle this? I’m not sure how to bring it up to her or him, but I’m also worried about their families. Maybe they have worked this out with their spouses and it’s ok, but idk. Am I overthinking this? Any help would be sooo appreciated!
Sorry For What I Saw
Dear Sorry For What I Saw,
Honestly, you don’t have enough information, and you shouldn’t have what information you do. I don’t mean to be harsh, but this is your friend, and you came upon this secret by invading their privacy.
The unflattering reality is, it’s exciting to learn secret, potentially salacious information, and it’s easy to dub yourself the morality police. But there is too much you don’t know—is her marriage healthy? Is it monogamous? Has her spouse been faithful? Are the texts the extent of the “cheating”. Is cheating a deal breaker for all involved—would they want to know? I would. You might. But it’s a lot to assume from your position, and you stand to blow up several peoples worlds for something you admittedly have a tiny glance into.
I also assume you are closest to her out of all the people involved, and that does matter. If anything, you should talk to your friend, and the talk should begin with an apology—”hey, sorry I accidentally invaded your privacy.” You can seek to understand and assess, with a ton of empathy, from there, assuming she is willing to discuss it at all.
Shared lives are intricate, complex things—we always know less from the outside looking in than we think. I actually don’t think cheating is the worst thing that can happen to a relationship, but that’s my bias. I am not saying you cannot or should not inform impacted parties—but proceed thoughtfully and with a sense of accountability for the fallout, and give your friend a heads up first.
Adri
Ooooo