Adri,
My longterm boyfriend does something that drives me up a wall. He isn’t the only one though. I know because it is a source of shared frustration with friends about their own partners. The issue—with my partner and theirs—is their behavior online. I will focus on my partner for simplicity sake.
My partner has never been much of an online person. He rarely posts, etc. This is fine by me. But I have noticed that he follows… a lot of people. Most of them women. Some of them are random pretty women, likely total strangers, some have OnlyFans info in their bio, some are huge accounts.
Don’t love this. But I could probably overlook it if he wasn’t interacting with their content. Thanks to Instagram, I can see when he likes/comments and he does both, frequently.
I don’t want to be controlling or insecure—I think this feels more embarrassing than actual cheating/betrayal. I brought it up once and he dismissed it by saying the internet isn’t real, he doesn’t know or talk to those people. He says it doesn’t matter, but also expressed no willingness to change the behavior, so obviously it does!
How do I deal with this?
Sincerely,
The Internet Is NOT Not A Real Place
Dear The Internet Is NOT Not A Real Place,
I am sorry you are feeling hurt, frustrated, and embarrassed. I don’t think you are out of line to feel that way, and for what it’s worth, I have gotten some version of this question multiple times, so you aren’t alone.
I am not here to judge which relationship boundaries are right or wrong—because it varies couple to couple. And I can’t tell you if you are controlling or insecure—you would have to examine your own patterns to assess that. This is an absolute non issue for lots of folks and I love that for them! But you noted that you have communicated this as something you don’t feel comfortable with to your partner—and he chose to downplay and ultimately dismiss your feelings—that concerns me most.
What I am hearing from you is less an issue that he likes looking at beautiful women (who doesn’t!) and more-so the perception that he is engaging with them in a way that is both public (embarrassing to you) and potentially attention seeking or an indication of other issues or behaviors.
I am not a prude or naive. I am pro-sex worker (and worker in general). I am all for finding the relational dynamic that works for a given person (be it monogamy, non-monagamy, etc), and VERY pro-living in reality: you both will continue to find other people attractive forever! But, I am also thoroughly against letting men play in your face about their behavior.
A friend pointed out that we follow people online based on our interests—so to me, men who engage online in this way seem…boring and juvenile. First and foremost. Additionally, one of my relationship rules is “don’t embarrass me.” This sort of behavior, I have learned, just doesn’t work for me. I don’t think about it in terms of right and wrong, I just find it to be a tremendous turnoff.
So my first bit of advice to you—try to view the issue this way—as a turn off FOR YOU, instead of an objective moral failure by him. Shaming him for this won’t work—and isn’t fair. And seeing it as a turnoff—as behavior you get to opt into or out of is liberating—you can’t control what he does, but you can say, “Not for me, thanks.”
It is really hard to do when you feel hurt, but try to approach this topic with him once more calmly, from a place of curiosity and without shaming. Acknowledge that you know you discussed it before, but that you are hoping to understand two things:
the first: what does he get out of this? Is this about his sense of autonomy? Validation? Attention?
Second—what, if any change is he willing to make? Be concrete in your asks if you make any.
Sharing your feelings, asking to get your needs met, and stating your boundaries shouldn’t feel unwelcome or controlling in a healthy partnership—it should feel like an opportunity to understand and love one another better. However, your boundaries are about controlling you—not him. A good partner respects them, but they are still yours to name and enforce. Much of relational work is seeking to understand and actually ACCEPT what we learn, and then enforcing our boundaries by leaving or engaging differently.
Healthy relationships are consensual and conditional, and while better aligned partners may have fewer of these moments where the conditions of the relationship need to be explicitly stated, all relationships have conditions—such as sexual monogamy (defining monogamy together may be very useful for both of you), equitable division of domestic labor, speaking with respect and kindness, hygiene (yes really), etc.
You cannot force people to change or meet your needs—you can communicate—and then he can change or not, and you can stay or not. It isn’t romantic, but choosing to show up for one another with love, effort, and understanding is. I hope he can do that for you.
Sending you self love first and foremost,
Adri
I continued to be impressed by your nuanced approach to each letter.
The reframe from judgement to preface was a wonderful reminder this week.