Three's A Crowd?
So, is it easier to connect with a friend (or an App based stranger, perhaps) than the woman you have spent the last decade with? Or is it just more exciting?
Adri,
My wife and I have been married for over ten years. We have a kid and a dog and a house and a car and everything is dandy. And, I’d like to entertain the idea of opening up the relationship. We had that conversation when we were first engaged and she was an absolute no. But we’re 40 now. Things change. I’m wondering if her response would be different. But I’m also worried that I’m going to upset her by asking. Any advice on how to approach the topic? Our sex life never recovered after kids, but my libido is still high, hers is not. We’re both busy people and sometimes it’s easier to connect with a friend than it is to connect with each other.
Sincerely,
Three’s A Crowd?
Dear Three’s A Crowd,
Sex lives are not static. Most sexual relationships have some ebb and flow— sustaining them takes intention, commitment, creativity and communication (and practice!) So, is it easier to connect with a friend (or an App based stranger, perhaps) than the woman you have spent the last decade with? Or is it just more exciting?
Am I judging? Maybe. But I do think it sets you both up for failure if you are’t clear about what need it is that you are actually trying to get met. If you are needing more or better sex, that is one conversation—if you are needing non-monagomy, that is another.
And you are right—things do change. Your bodies don’t always do as you’d like. You are tired and so busy. But you know one another better, and while the novelty has worn off, the ease and freedom of being known, loved, and accepted is (hopefully) at an all time high. However faded the romantic fantasy that may have brought you together might be, that fading brings deeper self-knowledge, mutual acceptance, and experience—which is incredible fodder for exploration and creativity.
With that said—monogamy isn’t right for everyone. But your wife has already answered this question—now you’re pushing it, and though revisiting something is acceptable in a long term relationship, I would proceed thoughtfully. She has known of your interest for years, and likely would have brought it up herself had her position changed. You aren’t wondering, you are HOPING she will say yes.
You also mention her possibly getting some needs met through a “unicorn”—something she has articulated zero interest in. It is tempting to create a narrative of mutual benefit when we really want something—but no matter how many objective benefits you can identify, it won’t erase her simply not wanting this.
We negotiate all sorts of things in romantic relationship—what is and is not non-negotiable is entirely up to each of us. If you bring this to your wife, lead with care, focus on yourself rather than projecting onto her, and be clear and honest. And, most importantly, go into the conversation prepared to engage consensually—negotiation and coercion are not the same thing.
Adri
