I have a guy in my life that is an ex, he is 34, I am 32 for context. We dated for a year and a half when we were freshmen in college. We broke up because I wasn’t sure he saw more with me. Now I know I was way too young to expect that and understand why it wasn’t on the front of his mind.
I don’t know that I have ever really gotten over him. I have moved on in that I dated other people and loved other people but he was always on my mind. We recently reconnected and are both going through divorces.
He is asking for more time before jumping into anything and I totally understand and respect that. Sometimes I struggle keeping things light with people that I like and over the years I have learned that if I am casually dating it helps me not rush into anything. Well I have a date tomorrow night and I want to go but I’m feeling very conflicted. I have feelings for him but I know he isn’t ready. I feel weird going on the date but I don’t want to rush him into dating or push him away. What would you do in my situation?
*question sourced from Reddit (r/relationship_advice)—because of course I follow THAT reddit :).
Dear Wait or Date,
I see lots of what can only be described as bait on reddit. Rage bait, engagement bait, take your pick! These posts are so shocking, one dimensional, so lacking in nuance or common sense that they just have to be made up (I hope🤞🏾). So when I see a reasonable but still challenging question on there, I am excited to weigh in.
There are a couple of giant elephants in the room that is your question, unfortunately.
The first—you are both going through divorces. I have been through a divorce, watched people I love navigate them, written about them—no divorce is the same, but very few not annoying people consider them easy. People often say “it was over long before the divorce” and be that as it may, it doesn’t enable you to sidestep the logistics of separating a life and re-establishing yourselves as non-married people.
The second—you are trying to be casual with someone you have already been decidedly not casual with. History, even (maybe especially) ancient history can be a recipe for moving fast—there may already be a sense of intimacy and trust, and a healthy dose of nostalgia that makes these reconnections, while not off limits, certainly something that should be approached with intention and realistic, CLEAR expectations from all involved. The guy you thought you’d marry in college can definitely become Just Some Guy™️, but trying to date him again probably means he isn’t that for you.
So my advice—date. Just not the ex guy. At least not now. Why? Because he is asking you for time, which you should respect. And because that ask is a way of saying he isn’t ready, and not functionally available. Why feel weird dating other people when this person isn’t ready to date you. When he is ready—he may come running. Or not. The best way to not waste your time or foster resentment is to simply take him at his word, and live your life until he says something worth your time.
My additional advice? You are in your own time of transition and rebirth—a time that can be really scary. It can be tempting to seek the familiar. Are you doing that with this man—romanticizing whatever past you had? I truly don’t know. But be mindful of it—and be open to experiencing new things and people so your perception of him can be shaped by reality and the present, not nostalgia and a fear of newness.
You say you don’t know that you’ve ever really gotten over him—then go on to say you moved on, dated, loved other people. I would suggest giving yourself more credit here—and expanding your definition of moving on. You can remember him, even fondly, forever—and still have successfully moved on. If you do end up with this guy, all these years later, it will be a whole new relationship. You are likely very different people.
We all deserve more relationships where the memory of the thing isn’t all bitterness, and I am glad you seem to have a bit of that with him. Fondness isn’t compatibility or destiny though. Take things as they are and leave yourself room to figure out who you are and what you want in this new chapter—you can start by going on the date! Don’t waste too much of your relationship time on people who aren’t sure about their wants, or you, no matter how understandable that doubt is.
Your fellow divorcée,
Adri
