Adri-
I’ve had only a handful of romantic relationships in my life and none of them lasted more than a few months. I’ve never been super driven to find a partner. Even in high school, while all my friends were trying to get laid I didn’t understand why they would date people they didn’t like just for sex. I mean, I DID understand but I didn’t think it was worth it and actually found it kinda scummy. I wondered if maybe I was asexual but that doesn’t seem right. I’ve had sex and it’s cool but it’s also not that important to me. I’ve wondered if maybe I’m demisexual but that also doesn’t seem to fit. I’ve pretty much given up on dating because the dating apps are terrible and all my friends are partnered and having kids by now so I’ve got no one to, like, go out to meet people with. I had been content to be alone, rather than settle for a partner I don’t like, but I turned 40 this year and I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m just not built for a relationship? Perhaps I’ve been too picky?
Too Picky
Dear Too Picky,
First of all yes, the dating apps are so terrible, literally one of Dante’s circles of hell! You had a few questions here and they were all so good and relatable that I want to attempt to answer them all.
With regard to your overarching question — I dont believe in being too picky about something as important as partnership. I think it bodes well for you and any potential relationships you have that you’re reflecting honestly on what you want, and how you want partnership to fit into your life. With that said, I could be missing details, but it seems like being picky isn’t really the issue here.
You discuss some doubt about your sexuality. The good news? Although society and dating apps would have you fit neatly into one box, forever — you really don’t have to. Like Mary Oliver said, you can let the soft animal of your body love what it loves or whatever.
What does that mean concretely? It means (to once again paraphrase Mary O) LIVE YOUR LIFE. You have done the reflection, but at some point all that theory has to be put into practice. Let the connections you make help give some definition to your doubts — or let some aspects of yourself remain grey, because thats ok too.
You are also unsure if you even want a relationship — but you definitely want people to do things with. I think investing in friends or community first will help you approach dating/romance from a healthier place if you still want that.
You may find that in the course of dating you realize it ISN’T for you — that other types of connections fill your needs. You may fall deeply in love, maybe many times — the finding out, the actually living your life part, is worthwhile. And if you do find someone — you get to negotiate what an “us” might look like together — partnership is not one size fits all.
What you are navigating right now is common and it requires self awareness and so much vulnerability, so cheers to you being willing to do that work. Keep checking in with yourself about how much space in your life you want romance or the pursuit of it to take up, and build up your larger community of friends. But don’t do all theory and no practice. Get out there — good luck!
Adri