Adri,
I’ve gone to therapy for over a decade, and while it’s not perfect, I am currently willing to really want to be better. I want companionship, but self-sabotage it consistently (overanalyzing, diving in too quickly, etc.) I don’t know which areas I need to focus on/improve before I can try again.
Try Again
Dear Try Again,
It might be because I am an emotional Pisces, or because I love her, but I feel like Mary Oliver must once again weigh in on our problems — I think she would tell you — you do not have to be good. But, more helpfully, you do not have to be perfect to be worthy of love.
It is good that you are doing whatever work that you feel you need to do — some of the writers I admire most have written about self respect (Toni and Joan, notably) and the theme to achieve it seems to be: being accountable. Do your work, so you can live with yourself, if no one else.
I am not an adherent of the idea we can love no one else before ourselves — I think we grow and are healed in relationship. But I do think a lack of self respect can make us desperate — and harmful to ourselves and others. So do your work, but do not confuse that work with some sort of test, but rather a path to seeing and standing in your own worthiness.
With all that said — you have an awareness of behavioral patterns you have identified as counter productive. That is great! That is more than half the battle. What would it look like to treat relationships as seriously and intentionally as your other goals, worthy of reflection, effort, time? What would it take for you to break your relational bad habits? Maybe intentional and vulnerable conversation with a partner about these patterns, so they can help support you as you make change?
Whatever it is, it will likely require more conflict and relationality than therapy typically entails. Try again — you got this.
Adri