Well Intentioned
Adri,
My best friend is not doing well health wise, the usual middle aged things like bad joints, high cholesterol, ulcers and such. His wife is a heavy drinker and also suffers from all the above. It sucks to watch from afar, but we live in different states and so can’t ask him to join me for walks or runs. How can I help influence his eating and exercise habits? The old school calling out and calling him names and bets on races don’t work if you’re not in shape to race anymore. I’m stuck.
Sincerlely,
Well Intentioned
Dear Well Intentioned,
This is my least favorite type of advice to write—you feel helpless, because you are. Because what you want is control over your friend—to benefit them, but still. You can’t have that, and thank God.
I didn’t have the greatest childhood, so I am a tremendous fan of this whole adult thing. But I quickly discovered that the tradeoff to autonomy is responsibility—for things, others, and most importantly, ourselves. If you don’t believe, me, Toni Morrison (The Queen) wrote a whole book on it.
I do think that feedback is a gift—but you have to be in a position to both receive AND give it.
You are light on the details about this friend and their wife. I will say that I do not know many Americans who are drinking alcohol and eating poorly who don’t have some awareness that those things are bad for them. Wanting to intervene on the basis of ignorance can backfire in spectacular ways. Sometimes, we have to accept that for complex reasons, people choose the seemingly “bad” thing. Loving them, means accepting that (with boundaries that keep everyone safe and comfortable).
It is also worth interrogating your own perception of health—it is truly more luck than it should be. Should your friend eat better and stop drinking? Maybe. Would all their ailments disappear if they did? Not necessarily. Are they striking their own private bargain with the God's of life, death, vitality, and who knows what else? Is that bargain any of your (or my) business? I choose to think not. Friendship is mostly acceptance—sometimes, it’s mourning that acceptance. Be sad if the quality of life you want for your friend doesn’t seem present. Don’t alienate or patronize him by assuming its just a few “good” decisions they never considered away.
Love your friend by accepting him, showing up, and offering to be helpful in ways that feel aligned to you both. Interrogate your own very human fear and anxiety—does his decline remind you of the inevitability of your own? Can you reframe that as an opportunity to enjoy the present, instead of fearing every harbinger of the future? You cannot condition him into the perfect friend or perfect version of himself. Friendship, like so much of our humanity, is not an optimization project—it is an invitation to witness, pay attention, be astonished—behold, and ultimately, let go.
yours in surrender,
Adri
